Purrfect Cruise (The Mysteries of Max Book 35) Read online

  Introductions were made and then the company distributed themselves among the different elevators and then it was just me and Dooley and our humans again.

  “Did you see that diamond?” asked Odelia.

  “Yeah, I saw it,” said her husband.

  “Do you know how much it cost?”

  “I’m guessing a lot?”

  “Twenty million dollars,” said Odelia.

  Chase whistled through his teeth. “That’s a lot of dough.”

  “Why does that man have a diamond glued to his face, Max?” asked Dooley.

  “I think it’s some kind of fashion accessory,” I said.

  “A fashion accessory that cost twenty million,” Odelia added. “And it’s not glued to his face, Dooley. It’s been surgically implanted.”

  “That must have hurt,” I commented.

  “What are they saying?” asked Chase with a smile.

  “They’re wondering about the diamond,” Odelia said. “Max says it must have hurt when he had it implanted in his face.”

  “Probably not more than a piercing.”

  “Well, technically it is a kind of piercing.”

  “I just hope he doesn’t lose it when he takes a shower. Imagine flushing twenty million down the drain.”

  The elevator gently jerked to a stop, and we got out. The deck, where we now found ourselves, was filled to capacity with people, and loud music poured from the speakers. There was a swimming pool located in the center. Kids were playing on the water slides, and there was an atmosphere of gaiety and fun. All in all, I felt like setting paw for our cabin to have a lie-down. As you may or may not know, cats aren’t very big on gaiety and fun, or pools, or kids playing on water slides. We also don’t care all that much for loud music, or umbrella drinks being served or large gatherings in general.

  But I decided to suck it up and go through the motions. Odelia wanted us to be part of the revelries so I was determined to do the best I could.

  “So much noise,” said Dooley, as he glanced around a little nervously.

  “Yep.”

  “So many people.”

  “Yep.”

  And then suddenly a tremor went through the ship, and he yelled, “This is it! We’re going down! Save yourselves!”

  “We’re not going down, Dooley,” I said. “The ship is setting sail, that’s all.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  And indeed this was it. We stepped up to the railings so we could look out across the quay. It was moving away from us—or we from it. And as people waved us off from the safety of the shore, and passengers were whooping with excitement, I gulped a little, and hoped Dooley’s predictions wouldn’t come true. We’d all seen Titanic, and even though so far I hadn’t caught sight of Kate or Leo, that didn’t mean things couldn’t still go awry.

  3

  Dooley and I stepped away from the crowd, as we didn’t want to get trampled underfoot, and found ourselves near the back of the ship. When we looked down, we could see the churn created by the powerful propellers as the vessel quickly sailed further and further away from shore and we now were truly underway.

  “I hope they have plenty of lifeboats,” said Dooley as he stared unhappily at the shoreline growing ever smaller in the distance.

  “I’m sure they do,” I said reassuringly.

  “And I hope they’ll change their women and children first policy to pets and women.”

  “Odelia isn’t going to let anything happen to us,” I said. “And neither is Chase. Besides, how often do you hear about a cruise ship sinking?”

  “A cruise ship sank off the coast of Florida only last month,” said my friend. “No human casualties, according to the news, but who knows how many pets died, Max.”

  I gulped some more. And as we both stared down at the water of the Atlantic Ocean, I suddenly felt relieved I’d recently learned how to swim. I’d taken swimming lessons from none other than Odelia’s neighbor’s Yorkie of all people—or dogs, actually. Though I very much doubted whether I’d be able to stay afloat if we found ourselves going down in the middle of the ocean long enough for the rescue boats to reach us.

  Suddenly, and without warning, a pair of birds landed nearby and settled on top of the railing. They were very big birds. In fact it wasn’t too much to say that they were probably just about the biggest birds I’d ever seen in my entire life—they were about Dooley’s size and regarded us with a distinct lack of chumminess.

  “Cats,” growled one of the birds. “What are you doing here?”

  “We’re on our honeymoon,” I announced.

  The bird blinked. “Honeymooners, eh? Nice, nice.”

  “Do you know if this boat has lifeboats, bird?” asked Dooley.

  The bird blinked again, and cocked its head. “How would I know?”

  “What do you need lifeboats for, cat?” asked the second bird.

  “Well, if the ship goes down, it’s good to know that we’ll be safe.”

  The birds shared a look, then burst into raucous laughter. “You’re funny, cat,” said the first bird.

  “Yeah, hilarious,” said the second one.

  “My name is Max,” I said by way of introduction, “and this is Dooley, and this is actually the first time we’re going on a cruise, so excuse us if we don’t know the ins and outs of cruising just yet.”

  “Oh, you’ll get the ins and outs pretty quickly,” said the first bird.

  “I’m Jack,” said bird number two. “And this is Frank.”

  “Hi,” I said, happy that even in this strange part of the world we were already making friends and influencing birds. “So do you live on this ship?”

  The birds shared a look again, and once more burst into laughter. “You’re really funny, Max,” said Jack.

  “Yeah, a real joker,” said Frank. “Do we live on this ship? Sure we live on this ship, and every other ship that crosses these waters.”

  “We don’t necessarily live anywhere, Max,” Jack explained when I just stared at him. “We just go where the food is, see?”

  “Oh, I certainly do,” I said, much relieved to hit upon something we shared. “We also go where the food is, don’t we, Dooley?”

  “Absolutely. And since the food is usually with our humans, that’s where we made our home.”

  “Oh, so you guys have a home, huh?”

  “Yeah, we do,” I said, “with just about the best human in the world.”

  “Maybe you know her,” said Dooley. “Odelia Poole. She’s a famous reporter.”

  “Nah. Never heard of her,” said Frank.

  “She just got married to Chase, who’s a cop, and now they’re taking this cruise as a honeymoon, and they’re going to make lots of babies by the time they get back.”

  “Oh, boy,” said Jack with a grin. “If you keep this up we’re gonna die laughing, Dooley.”

  “Two comedians,” said his buddy. “If I’d known cats were so funny I’d have laid off them.”

  “Laid off them?” I asked with a smile. “What do you mean?”

  “Never mind. Here comes your human. Which means we’re off.”

  “See you, cats,” said Jack.

  “Yeah, see you,” I said, and gave them a wave as they spread their wings and took off.

  “Nice birds, don’t you think, Max?” said Dooley.

  “Yeah, very nice,” I agreed. I turned to welcome Odelia, but then saw that Frank was wrong: the people making their way in our direction weren’t Odelia and Chase but the influencers Chiquita and Oren. And they didn’t look very happy.

  “I don’t believe this,” Chiquita was saying. “I thought you had more sense, Oren.”

  “Oh, I’m the one who should have more sense? What about you?”

  “Look, if I’d known that you were doing this for the money I’d never have agreed to give up my job and go on this trip with you.”

  They were leaning on the railing and speaking in low tones, but there was definitely a causticity to their words. />
  “And if I’d known that you were such a boring do-gooder I’d have dumped your ass ages ago,” Oren snapped.

  “I don’t understand, Oren. When we got into this we agreed that saving the planet is the only course of action worth pursuing, so what made you change your mind?”

  “You never told me that all you wanted to do was save the planet!”

  “I understand that we need money to keep this venture going, but more importantly we need to show the world how beautiful our planet is, and motivate people to do what they can to save it. We have no planet B, Oren—this is all we have.”

  “And we can do all of that while making a nice living—in fact better than nice. We can make a great living, if only you’d sacrifice some of those lofty principles of yours.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like asking Lil Thug to give us an exclusive interview!”

  “You really want to taint our noble cause by giving that idiot a platform?”

  “For your information, Chiquita, that ‘idiot’ is only one of the most successful rappers in the world. If we can get an exclusive one-on-one with him, it would mean—”

  “A lot of money. Yes, I know.”

  Oren stared out across the ocean, his jaw working, his face a thundercloud. He turned to his partner. “Chiquita, we’re almost broke! This trip is costing us an arm and a leg!”

  “I know, but excuse me for having principles, and excuse me for not being a sellout like you.”

  “You take that back, Chiquita Könönen.”

  “It’s the truth!”

  “Oh, dear,” I said, as I gave Dooley a gentle nudge. “I think we better leave these two alone, Dooley.”

  “Yes, they don’t seem to get along very well, do they?”

  “No, they certainly don’t.”

  And so we discreetly skedaddled. If there’s one thing that can mar the perfect honeymoon it’s the presence of a warring couple, and so we both decided not to tell Odelia about this little incident. They’d come here to enjoy a wonderful honeymoon, and we were going to make sure they got exactly what they wanted—smooth sailing.

  4

  “Why do humans travel by boat, Max?” asked Dooley.

  We were seated under Odelia’s chair while our humans were enjoying a nice dinner. The ship’s departure had gone off without a hitch, and we were well underway for a wonderful journey along some of the Caribbean’s hotspots. Odelia had managed to find a friendly steward who’d provided us with some delicious cat food, and as far as I was concerned, things were all right with the world once more.

  “I think humans are basically jealous of other living creatures,” I said, feeling magnanimous and in the mood to expand on some of my ideas regarding my favorite species. “They’re jealous of ducks for their ability to travel across the water and so they build boats. They’re jealous of birds for their ability to soar across the skies and so they build airplanes. And of course they’re jealous of proud animals like lions for their ability to perform great feats of speed and so they build automobiles. Just simple psychology.”

  “So it’s all about jealousy? That’s the reason we’re now traveling on the ocean, with only a few layers of metal between us and certain death by drowning?”

  “Basically, yeah.”

  “I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel the other night about the fact that the human body isn’t designed for being in the water,” Dooley said after a moment’s pause. “If you dunk a horse in the water it floats, and it will easily be able to keep its head above the water and can even propel itself forward by making the same movements of its legs as it does on land. In fact practically all animals can swim, except humans. If you shove a human into the water, and he hasn’t learned how to swim, he will drown, because a human body, when it floats, can’t keep its nose above the surface. It’s got something to do with the center of gravity.”

  “Interesting,” I said, nodding. If Dooley had told me about the spatial patterns of army ants foraging it would have interested me. That’s because I was well fed and well-rested after a short sojourn on the cabin’s couch, and I was now ready to face the world, or even listen to stories about humans’ capacity or incapacity for being submerged in water.

  I glanced out from under the chair and saw that Lil Thug was still attracting a lot of attention. He’d found himself at our table, and didn’t seem to mind one bit to be sitting amongst those lesser folks who didn’t have rare diamonds encrusted to their faces.

  “So that’s really real?” asked Chase, as he pointed to the rapper’s pink diamond.

  The rapper smiled enigmatically and nodded. “Absolutely, Detective Kingsley.”

  “Chase, please,” said Chase. “I’m on vacation, so no police business for me.”

  “It is a real diamond, and it took me a long time to save up enough money to buy it.”

  “But… why?”

  “Well,” said Lil Thug, as he settled back in his chair, “I guess I’ve always had a certain fondness for gems, and when I saw this particular gem, I just knew I had to have it.”

  “But why have it stuck to your face?”

  “Because I wanted to try something new. Something no one had ever tried before.”

  “And you certainly succeeded.”

  “But isn’t it dangerous?” asked Odelia. It was a question that had crossed my mind, too. “I mean, shouldn’t you feel safer if that diamond was in a vault somewhere?”

  “What’s the point of owning a rare diamond only to have it locked away in some vault somewhere? Isn’t the whole point of possessing an object of beauty that you can admire it? Look at it and marvel at its sheer splendor? I mean, I’ve had many people come up to me to simply stare at the diamond. And that’s exactly the effect I wanted to achieve.”

  “You wanted people to come up and stare at you?”

  “No! I want them to admire beauty. Pure beauty. And for me I simply want to become one with the object. I want to be the diamond.” He shrugged. “It’s hard to explain.”

  “No, but I think I get it. You were so impressed with this diamond you wanted to have it with you at all times. You want to, like, merge with the stone. Be blessed by its beauty.”

  “See? I knew you’d understand,” said Lil Thug, and took a sip from his glass of wine.

  I retracted my head again. “Do you feel that, Dooley?” I asked.

  “No, what?”

  “Exactly. I don’t feel that we’re on a boat, do you?”

  Dooley gave me a look of slight constipation, signifying that he was thinking hard, then shook his head. “Gee, Max, you’re right. The boat doesn’t make any noise.”

  “Or vibrations. Even the wine in Odelia and Chase’s glasses isn’t rippling.”

  “You’re right. It’s almost as if we’re still on land.”

  Lil Thug excused himself and got up. He said he had a show to rehearse tomorrow, and wanted to be at his best so he needed his rest. I immediately jumped up on the chair the rapper with the diamond appendage had vacated and smiled at my humans. “I think I’m starting to like this trip. Good food, a great couch, and I almost can’t feel that I’m on a boat.”

  “No, you’re right,” said Odelia. “If I didn’t know any better I would think we haven’t left port yet. No tremor—no sound of the engines.”

  “What’s going on over there?” asked Chase, as he pointed to what looked like some kind of altercation. A man dressed in a neat uniform was escorting a young girl away, followed by what could only be her parents. More uniformed personnel were talking to a couple seated at a nearby table, and doing their best to appease them.

  “I have no idea,” said Odelia, “but it looks as if that girl is in some kind of trouble.” She paused, then locked eyes with her husband. “Wanna go over and find out?”

  “No way,” said Chase. “We’re on vacation, babe.”

  “Damn my inquisitive brain,” said Odelia, as she chewed her bottom lip uncertainly. “If I don’t find out what’s
going on it’s going to drive me nuts. I just know it.”

  “Dooley and I will find out,” I suddenly found myself saying. “You just stay right here and relax. We’ll be back in a sec with all the news fresh from the grapevine.”

  “Max?” asked Dooley as his head peeked from under the chair. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I am,” I said as I jumped down from the chair. “Let’s go. We need to give Odelia a helping paw. Otherwise she’ll go off sleuthing and ruin a perfectly good honeymoon.”

  And so we set off in the direction the party of four had disappeared to, carefully avoiding being trampled on, always a cat’s greatest fear—or at least one of them.

  5

  It didn’t take us long to catch up with our quarry, and by the time we had, they were joined by another person, this one not wearing a uniform. He was a burly man, with one of those square chins with a cleft in the middle, and intelligent eyes. If you want to know what intelligent eyes look like, I can’t really tell you. I guess the nearest I can come is to compare a cat’s eyes with those of a cow, for instance. This man didn’t have cow eyes, though the girl who was being frogmarched off now slightly resembled one as she gazed admiringly into the man’s handsome face. He had all the hallmarks of a romantic hero.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” said the girl. “I thought it was my phone, and by the time I realized my mistake, it was too late.”

  “You really thought a Samsung foldable phone that costs upward of two thousand bucks was yours?” asked the man with the cleft chin, his voice dripping with skepticism.

  “Yes, sir,” she said, eyes wide and innocent.

  “Show me your phone,” said the guy as the company halted to a stop.

  “If you don’t mind, I’ll be off now, Garth,” said the man in the uniform. He had a shock of white hair and a tanned face and if I were to hazard a guess I would have pegged him as the ship’s captain. He certainly looked like a captain. And if you’re asking me what a captain looks like, once more I find it very hard to explain. I guess he looked as if he could star in a reboot of Love Boat and do a terrific job as Captain Merrill Stubing.